Coffee Shop

Dear Special Needs Coffee Drinker,

As anyone who has read this blog knows I have problems understanding your kind because I don't drink coffee at all.  You however are a "special case" (and I mean that in THE most insulting sense possible).  Not only do you want coffee, you want a complicated coffee based drink.  I ask you to remember the following: you are at a restaurant not a café or Starbucks; therefore, it may not be possible to create this complicated coffee based beverage according to your exact needs.  I would also ask you to remember to explain any specific requests ahead of time.  For example should you want a sweet iced cappuccino either BE POLITE when requesting simple syrup so that I feel motivated to find it/have it made for you or use the sugar packets provided.  In either case remember you can ALWAYS go to Starbucks and I really don't care if you come back for more special needs coffee.

Sincerely,
Your Waitress Who Doesn't Work at Starbucks

On A Date

Dear Couple On A Date,

Your date would be so much more fun if you got off your cell phones and tried talking to each other.  You don't need to live update the event on Yelp, Twitter, or Facebook; and, your bff's feelings can wait until brunch tomorrow.

Sincerely,
The Waitress

p.s. Wine is a wonderful social lubricant and we serve around a dozen wines by the glass and if you need more help we have a lot more wines by the bottle.  Also may I recommend you start with oysters and end with the chocolate torte?

Corporate Evil

Dear Executive,

I know you work for some highly unpopular company with dubious ethical standards.  I know that your company is accused of benefitting the wealthy at the expense of the poor and middle class.  Yet every time I serve you I feel happy.  You are always respectful and courteous, you enjoy your meal, you drink bottles (emphasis on the plural) of expensive wine, and you tip generously.  Perhaps the company you represent is bad for society as a whole but you are far better for the economy of my industry than anyone occupying anything.  I hope you and the company you work for continue to flourish and patronize restaurants that employ me.  Long live the 1%.

Sincerely,
Your Waitress

Dog Owners

Dear Dog Owners,

I respect and appreciate the care give your beloved pet.  I especially admire the fact that you try to avoid letting him or her run all over the patio.  This makes bringing your drinks much easier.  If only the owners, I mean parents, of toddlers were as careful and solicitous as you.

Sincerely,
Your Waitress

Dear Universe

Guest Post:

Dear Universe,

On a good day I feel like Richard Blaine from Casablanca, on a bad day I'm Harry Hope from The Iceman Cometh, and the rest of the time I'm Mo from The Simpsons.

Sincerely,

The Proprietor

Dear Shift Drink

Dear Shift Drink,

You are the light at the end of the tunnel, my port in a storm. You are all things good and true. Thinking of you helps me get through the last hour and a half of work.

Sincerely,

The waitress about to consume you

Dear Perfect

Dear Sir,

You have dinner and a bottle of wine while reading a book, the paper, or a magazine. You are always friendly and an excellent tipper. You sound like a fantasy. Yet you exist, a paragon among customers. To you I say this: never change.

Sincerely,

Your waitress

Dear Parents

Dear Parents,

I'm not sure you realize that your toddler is currently running around the parking lot. I'm afraid this can only end badly. I know you are enjoying the sunshine and your afternoon cocktails and after you retrieve your toddler from imminent death I will be happy to bring you another round.

Sincerely,

Your Waitress

Dear Coffee Drinkers

Dear Coffee Drinkers,

Since I'm not a coffee drinker, I realize I don't understand you and maybe I never will. My question is this: if you aren't really a functional person before your 4th cup why did you leave your house. Get your caffeine buzz at home and when you are ready to behave like an adult rather than a zombie having a temper tantrum come out to brunch and I will be happy to bring you eggs and that last cup or two of coffee.

Sincerely,

Your Waitress

Dear Mussels Monday

Dear Mussels Moday Customers,

I love a bargain as much as you but you've had two bowls of mussels for $10 and 6 baskets of bread... Have pity on me and remember all those carbs make you fat.

Sincerely,

Your Waitress

p.s. Would it kill you to buy a drink? Live a little!

Dear Europeans

Dear Europeans,

I wish America was a civilized place where waiters were paid a living wage... But we aren't. Therefore, please tip 18-20%

Sincerely,

Your appreciative if rather poor Waitress

Dear Kitchen

Dear Kitchen,

I'm sorry I failed... I can't

Sincerely,

Your Waitress