Dear Retail Job,
I must admit I miss you. It's true I didn't make the money with you that I do with my new job; but, you have your advantages. Crazy New Yorkers on the hunt for shoes can't compete with restaurant customers for levels of crazy, and that says a great deal. With you there were no crazed dog owners, adults who behaved like the kids on Toddlers and Tiaras, or actual toddlers. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate what we had together.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Monday, May 14, 2012
Temper Tantrums
Dear Customer Currently Having a Hissy Fit,
Please calm down. I realize you are hungry and that this makes you irrational; but, your hissy fit is not the answer. I promise that I will do my best to get you everything you want. Please, just calm down because you are behaving worse than those little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras and that is not a good look for a middle aged man.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Please calm down. I realize you are hungry and that this makes you irrational; but, your hissy fit is not the answer. I promise that I will do my best to get you everything you want. Please, just calm down because you are behaving worse than those little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras and that is not a good look for a middle aged man.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mussels Monday II
Dear Mussels Monday Customers,
Just when I thought I had you figured out you turn around surprise me. For years you've seemed like the rudest and most uptight of all diners; but, recently you've undergone a personality transplant. All of a sudden you're happy, you drink adult beverages and you tip generously. I don't know what has prompted this change in you but I want you to know how truly grateful I am. Please don't backslide, it would break my heart.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Just when I thought I had you figured out you turn around surprise me. For years you've seemed like the rudest and most uptight of all diners; but, recently you've undergone a personality transplant. All of a sudden you're happy, you drink adult beverages and you tip generously. I don't know what has prompted this change in you but I want you to know how truly grateful I am. Please don't backslide, it would break my heart.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Bread Knife
Dear Bread Knife,
Never let it be said that I do not respect you. I have great respect for you... and the pain you can inflict upon my hands. I also hate, loathe, and despise you. I resent my dependence upon you in order to provide the bread my customers crave. I realize that I may be bitter, after all I need you more than you need me. You have proved this time and again with a thousand small cuts. Now I believe our relationship has reached an abusive stage. You forced me to spend my night in the E.R. What really hurts is that we both know by next week I will be wielding you again and hoping that you don't feel like drawing even more of my blood.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Never let it be said that I do not respect you. I have great respect for you... and the pain you can inflict upon my hands. I also hate, loathe, and despise you. I resent my dependence upon you in order to provide the bread my customers crave. I realize that I may be bitter, after all I need you more than you need me. You have proved this time and again with a thousand small cuts. Now I believe our relationship has reached an abusive stage. You forced me to spend my night in the E.R. What really hurts is that we both know by next week I will be wielding you again and hoping that you don't feel like drawing even more of my blood.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Expense Account
Dear Party of 5 or More,
I totally understand that you have a budget on your corporate card and that you need to report your expenses. I also understand that none of you has the authority to purchase the entire meal. I will happily split your check 5 or more ways and give each of you itemized receipts. But for the love of god, please, tell me when your meal is beginning! It will make this process so much smoother. While I'm on the subject; if you don't all need separate checks but you want to split the bill so that one person pays $27.33 and another $52.89, ect. please reconsider. The odds favor someone making an error at some point in the process and that upsets everyone. It upsets me, it upsets you, it upsets my boss. In summation, if you need to split a bill plan ahead and tell me at the start of your meal, not 5 minutes before you absolutely MUST be back at your desk or wherever it is you have to be and we will all be happier when you leave.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
I totally understand that you have a budget on your corporate card and that you need to report your expenses. I also understand that none of you has the authority to purchase the entire meal. I will happily split your check 5 or more ways and give each of you itemized receipts. But for the love of god, please, tell me when your meal is beginning! It will make this process so much smoother. While I'm on the subject; if you don't all need separate checks but you want to split the bill so that one person pays $27.33 and another $52.89, ect. please reconsider. The odds favor someone making an error at some point in the process and that upsets everyone. It upsets me, it upsets you, it upsets my boss. In summation, if you need to split a bill plan ahead and tell me at the start of your meal, not 5 minutes before you absolutely MUST be back at your desk or wherever it is you have to be and we will all be happier when you leave.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Cinco de Mayo
Dear Cinco de Mayo Celebrants:
I only wish I'd thought of this but in the words of a bartender I know...
If you really want to honor a Mexican try working a double shift as a dish washer.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress and Bartender
I only wish I'd thought of this but in the words of a bartender I know...
If you really want to honor a Mexican try working a double shift as a dish washer.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress and Bartender
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Coffee Part III
Dear Coffee Drinkers,
My roommate pointed out that I may be rather hard on you. I want you to know that when I write disparaging comments about "coffee drinkers" what I actually mean is: people with no basic concept of common courtesy who drink lots of coffee. I know its unfair of me to judge many people based on the actions of a few. Therefore, I want to reassure all coffee lovers that I judge you on your actions not your beverage choice. If I were a bartender I'm sure I would be writing letters to jager drinkers. After all, judging people for their beverage choice is one of the most enjoyable elements of the restaurant industry.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
My roommate pointed out that I may be rather hard on you. I want you to know that when I write disparaging comments about "coffee drinkers" what I actually mean is: people with no basic concept of common courtesy who drink lots of coffee. I know its unfair of me to judge many people based on the actions of a few. Therefore, I want to reassure all coffee lovers that I judge you on your actions not your beverage choice. If I were a bartender I'm sure I would be writing letters to jager drinkers. After all, judging people for their beverage choice is one of the most enjoyable elements of the restaurant industry.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Student Loans
Dear Student Loans,
I want you to know that I do this job for you. I need you and I resent you. You demand repayment and I have no choice but to give you everything I can. Someday our codependency will end and I will be free of you.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
I want you to know that I do this job for you. I need you and I resent you. You demand repayment and I have no choice but to give you everything I can. Someday our codependency will end and I will be free of you.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
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