Dear Student,
There were many sins you could have committed when writing your paper and to your credit you did not plagiarize. I'm so glad you didn't since that would have made things very unpleasant. I just want you to be aware that while I applaud your integrity, I deplore your writing. Please review grammar and punctuation as these are invaluable tools for all written communication. My biggest issue with your paper was not your grammar, although it was problematic. I'm afraid I must take exception to the completely unnecessary reference to Hitler and Nazi Germany.
You were writing about the Crusades. There is no argument you could make that would be enhanced by a reference to Hitler! NONE! I promise you. Please for the love of humanity don't make the comparison. There is a time and a place for everything and Hitler's is nowhere near the Crusades.
Sincerely,
Your TA
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Crazy
Dear Colleague,
I'm sorry I put ALL the crazy people in your section. I didn't want to but it was unavoidable. Your section drew them like a moth is drawn towards flames. They all insisted on being sat there, they even waited an extra 30 minutes for table in your section. I know you would be a lot more flattered if they hadn't been psychopaths. We both know that hunger makes people crazy, and that hungry people who wait an extra half hour to sit at one specific table are especially unhinged. I'm sorry you had to suffer through so many high maintenance, low tip tables. Just remember you didn't suffer alone. Those people put me through hell before I passed them on to you. Just see the previous post about their 5 stages of grief.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
I'm sorry I put ALL the crazy people in your section. I didn't want to but it was unavoidable. Your section drew them like a moth is drawn towards flames. They all insisted on being sat there, they even waited an extra 30 minutes for table in your section. I know you would be a lot more flattered if they hadn't been psychopaths. We both know that hunger makes people crazy, and that hungry people who wait an extra half hour to sit at one specific table are especially unhinged. I'm sorry you had to suffer through so many high maintenance, low tip tables. Just remember you didn't suffer alone. Those people put me through hell before I passed them on to you. Just see the previous post about their 5 stages of grief.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
5 Stages
Dear Kubler-Ross,
Did you formulate your theory on the 5 Stages of grief while working at a restaurant? I get to watch people experience them every night when I tell them there a wait. Here is a representative sampling of my experiences and responses.
Denial: But we called ahead!
My Response: Yes you did but so did the 7 groups ahead of you.
Anger: We have a dog and a child we need an outside table right now!
My Response: (What I say) I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do.
(What I think) Really you are limiting your options and inconveniencing your child for the sake of your dog! Think about your priorities!
Bargaining: Those people are leaving can we take their table? We don't mind sitting 4 people at a 2 top.
My Responses: I'm sorry but that table is being claimed by customers settling their bill at the bar.
I'm sorry but having 4 people there would be a logistical nightmare, in short you could sit there but you couldn't actually get any food.
Depression: Should we even bother to wait?
My Response: Yes! Go get a drink at the bar and relax. Time flies when you have fun!
Acceptance: We'll be at the bar.
My Response: (What I say) I will let you know as soon as your table is ready!
(What I think) Really was all the drama necessary?
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Did you formulate your theory on the 5 Stages of grief while working at a restaurant? I get to watch people experience them every night when I tell them there a wait. Here is a representative sampling of my experiences and responses.
Denial: But we called ahead!
My Response: Yes you did but so did the 7 groups ahead of you.
Anger: We have a dog and a child we need an outside table right now!
My Response: (What I say) I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do.
(What I think) Really you are limiting your options and inconveniencing your child for the sake of your dog! Think about your priorities!
Bargaining: Those people are leaving can we take their table? We don't mind sitting 4 people at a 2 top.
My Responses: I'm sorry but that table is being claimed by customers settling their bill at the bar.
I'm sorry but having 4 people there would be a logistical nightmare, in short you could sit there but you couldn't actually get any food.
Depression: Should we even bother to wait?
My Response: Yes! Go get a drink at the bar and relax. Time flies when you have fun!
Acceptance: We'll be at the bar.
My Response: (What I say) I will let you know as soon as your table is ready!
(What I think) Really was all the drama necessary?
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Physical Activity
Dear Body,
I'm sorry! I know I should exercise more. You don't need to tell me about the Ancient Greek axiom of "Healthy body, healthy mind." I get it. I think we had fun exercising the other day so why are you causing me so much pain now. Is this your version of the silent treatment? If so you need to revise your definitions because this feels more like screaming to me. I promise I will be diligent about exercise and stretching. In return all I ask is that you allow me to climb stairs without feeling as if my legs are going to fall off.
Sincerely,
The rest of me
I'm sorry! I know I should exercise more. You don't need to tell me about the Ancient Greek axiom of "Healthy body, healthy mind." I get it. I think we had fun exercising the other day so why are you causing me so much pain now. Is this your version of the silent treatment? If so you need to revise your definitions because this feels more like screaming to me. I promise I will be diligent about exercise and stretching. In return all I ask is that you allow me to climb stairs without feeling as if my legs are going to fall off.
Sincerely,
The rest of me
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sleeping
Dear Sleeping Undergrad,
First impressions matter and my first impression of you was abysmal. I saw you fight the battle to stay awake and I saw you lose. Believe me I have compassion, I too have battled exhaustion and lost. BUT it wasn't in my first class with someone grading me. I was willing to forgive a lot. It was our first class together and I knew that their would be some confusion about expectations. I was willing to overlook your mistakes; but if you are going to sleep then just stay home. Now I advise you do this because whether you sleep in my class or at home you will get the same grade: an F. Sorry but that's how it works.
Sincerely,
Your TA
First impressions matter and my first impression of you was abysmal. I saw you fight the battle to stay awake and I saw you lose. Believe me I have compassion, I too have battled exhaustion and lost. BUT it wasn't in my first class with someone grading me. I was willing to forgive a lot. It was our first class together and I knew that their would be some confusion about expectations. I was willing to overlook your mistakes; but if you are going to sleep then just stay home. Now I advise you do this because whether you sleep in my class or at home you will get the same grade: an F. Sorry but that's how it works.
Sincerely,
Your TA
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Passive Agressive
Dearly Highly Aggrieved Customer,
I know you need an outlet for your hurt and frustration. I respect your feelings; but I would respect them (and you more) if you said them to my face. Please don't write them on the back of your receipt. You have a right to your air your grievances. If you feel like you are getting short-shrift this evening then please call our General Manager the next afternoon. Your words will have far more weight than they do written on the back of a receipt. Trust me if we all behave like adults we will ALL be so much happier.
Sincerely,
Someone Tired of Seeing you Bitch on the Back of a Receipt
I know you need an outlet for your hurt and frustration. I respect your feelings; but I would respect them (and you more) if you said them to my face. Please don't write them on the back of your receipt. You have a right to your air your grievances. If you feel like you are getting short-shrift this evening then please call our General Manager the next afternoon. Your words will have far more weight than they do written on the back of a receipt. Trust me if we all behave like adults we will ALL be so much happier.
Sincerely,
Someone Tired of Seeing you Bitch on the Back of a Receipt
Food Allergies
Dear Customer with Severe Seafood Allergies,
I empathize with your plight, honestly I do, but perhaps you should reconsider your choices. You are deathly allergic to seafood; yet, you have chosen to dine at a restaurant with a specific shellfish in the name. While we will all do our utmost to ensure that no harmful contaminates come near you, I must mention that things that could KILL you are EVERYWHERE. So in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend: Look at your Life, Look at your Choices!
Sincerely,
Your Restaurant Staff
I empathize with your plight, honestly I do, but perhaps you should reconsider your choices. You are deathly allergic to seafood; yet, you have chosen to dine at a restaurant with a specific shellfish in the name. While we will all do our utmost to ensure that no harmful contaminates come near you, I must mention that things that could KILL you are EVERYWHERE. So in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend: Look at your Life, Look at your Choices!
Sincerely,
Your Restaurant Staff
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sell it!
Dear Colleague,
Watching you sell those $30 cocktails is a thing of beauty. Its like watching Yo-Yo Ma play the cello. Your ability to pique the customer's interests and spur their do or die instincts is a wonder to behold. Your shrewdness is positively Machiavellian. I aspire to possess your skills.
Sincerely,
Your Inspired Co-worker
Watching you sell those $30 cocktails is a thing of beauty. Its like watching Yo-Yo Ma play the cello. Your ability to pique the customer's interests and spur their do or die instincts is a wonder to behold. Your shrewdness is positively Machiavellian. I aspire to possess your skills.
Sincerely,
Your Inspired Co-worker
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ejector Seat
Dear Customers Waiting an Inordinately Long Time for a Table,
I promise its nothing personal. I want you to be able to sit down and enjoy your meal right now. I'm sorry that its not possible, even though it should be. I know four different tables have finished eating. Unfortunately I do not have a metal claw that extracts their money and pays there check for them. Nor, most regrettably, do I have a button that opens a hole in the floor under them or powers a rocket in their seat. Believe me if I had some ingenious device to speed the removal of customers from tables on busy nights I would use it. Particularly if the device also had some comedic value. Alas I am not privileged with such awesome technology; therefore, we will all just have to wait for them to leave of their own accord.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
I promise its nothing personal. I want you to be able to sit down and enjoy your meal right now. I'm sorry that its not possible, even though it should be. I know four different tables have finished eating. Unfortunately I do not have a metal claw that extracts their money and pays there check for them. Nor, most regrettably, do I have a button that opens a hole in the floor under them or powers a rocket in their seat. Believe me if I had some ingenious device to speed the removal of customers from tables on busy nights I would use it. Particularly if the device also had some comedic value. Alas I am not privileged with such awesome technology; therefore, we will all just have to wait for them to leave of their own accord.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Leisure Reading
Dear Reading Books for Pleasure,
The time has come to end our torrid affair. I'm sorry I have to move on. Its not you its me...
I've made a commitment to Grad School. I'm moving on to peer reviewed books the Crusades and the Spanish Empire. I'm not ending our affair lightly and I will miss the many days and nights we spent together. We had some good times. Although I have to say your brief incest fixation in Game of Thrones was a trifle alarming. You were a great companion but I just can't give you the commitment you deserve. I'm sure I'll relapse on occasion and spend an intense 48 hours with you from time to time. We already have a date for the release of Lauren Willig's next book. Just remember you will always be my first love.
Sincerely,
The Grad Student/Waitress who wishes she had more free time
The time has come to end our torrid affair. I'm sorry I have to move on. Its not you its me...
I've made a commitment to Grad School. I'm moving on to peer reviewed books the Crusades and the Spanish Empire. I'm not ending our affair lightly and I will miss the many days and nights we spent together. We had some good times. Although I have to say your brief incest fixation in Game of Thrones was a trifle alarming. You were a great companion but I just can't give you the commitment you deserve. I'm sure I'll relapse on occasion and spend an intense 48 hours with you from time to time. We already have a date for the release of Lauren Willig's next book. Just remember you will always be my first love.
Sincerely,
The Grad Student/Waitress who wishes she had more free time
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Undergrads
Dear Undergrads,
The Professor has just told you that you don't have to buy/can return a text book! On the word refund your ears should have perked up like a pig smelling a black truffle. Did it really take you an additional 6 repetitions to figure out which book could be returned? Especially since she also mentioned it was posted online. I'm just wondering because as I mentioned the word refund has always had the power to capture my attention instantly.
Sincerely,
Your Rather Incredulous TA
The Professor has just told you that you don't have to buy/can return a text book! On the word refund your ears should have perked up like a pig smelling a black truffle. Did it really take you an additional 6 repetitions to figure out which book could be returned? Especially since she also mentioned it was posted online. I'm just wondering because as I mentioned the word refund has always had the power to capture my attention instantly.
Sincerely,
Your Rather Incredulous TA
Your Table Sir...
Dear Customers Your Table Has Been Ready for the Last 20 Minutes,
Please be aware that when the seating is on a first come first serve basis if your table is ready one of you should be ready to claim the table. I understand that you need to settle with the bartender first; but, that is rather different from chilling for an additional 20 minutes. Just be aware that other customers would LOVE to sit at your table. In summary MOVE IT or LOSE IT.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Please be aware that when the seating is on a first come first serve basis if your table is ready one of you should be ready to claim the table. I understand that you need to settle with the bartender first; but, that is rather different from chilling for an additional 20 minutes. Just be aware that other customers would LOVE to sit at your table. In summary MOVE IT or LOSE IT.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
How Many?
Dear Customer Unsure of Exactly How Many Friends Are Coming,
I would like to point out that this restaurant seats on a first come first serve basis and will only seat you once your entire party is present. Therefore, it would help to know how many of you their will be. Telling me there will be at least four people at dinner is not helpful. In an age of mobile device try texting, calling, IMing, gchatting, whatevering your friends. Once you have confirmed your plans I will happily work on finding you a table.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
I would like to point out that this restaurant seats on a first come first serve basis and will only seat you once your entire party is present. Therefore, it would help to know how many of you their will be. Telling me there will be at least four people at dinner is not helpful. In an age of mobile device try texting, calling, IMing, gchatting, whatevering your friends. Once you have confirmed your plans I will happily work on finding you a table.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Fried Food
Dear Customer,
In case you didn't notice the food you ordered is fried. Now fried food is cooked in some form of grease. Naturally the kitchen tries to remove as much of the grease as possible before putting your food on the plate, but some will inevitably linger. The kitchen does NOT pat your food down with 500 thread count cotton clothes. Therefore, if a slight residue of grease is something you find repugnant please consider ordering something else.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
In case you didn't notice the food you ordered is fried. Now fried food is cooked in some form of grease. Naturally the kitchen tries to remove as much of the grease as possible before putting your food on the plate, but some will inevitably linger. The kitchen does NOT pat your food down with 500 thread count cotton clothes. Therefore, if a slight residue of grease is something you find repugnant please consider ordering something else.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Monday, May 14, 2012
Waitress v. Retail
Dear Retail Job,
I must admit I miss you. It's true I didn't make the money with you that I do with my new job; but, you have your advantages. Crazy New Yorkers on the hunt for shoes can't compete with restaurant customers for levels of crazy, and that says a great deal. With you there were no crazed dog owners, adults who behaved like the kids on Toddlers and Tiaras, or actual toddlers. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate what we had together.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
I must admit I miss you. It's true I didn't make the money with you that I do with my new job; but, you have your advantages. Crazy New Yorkers on the hunt for shoes can't compete with restaurant customers for levels of crazy, and that says a great deal. With you there were no crazed dog owners, adults who behaved like the kids on Toddlers and Tiaras, or actual toddlers. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate what we had together.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Temper Tantrums
Dear Customer Currently Having a Hissy Fit,
Please calm down. I realize you are hungry and that this makes you irrational; but, your hissy fit is not the answer. I promise that I will do my best to get you everything you want. Please, just calm down because you are behaving worse than those little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras and that is not a good look for a middle aged man.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Please calm down. I realize you are hungry and that this makes you irrational; but, your hissy fit is not the answer. I promise that I will do my best to get you everything you want. Please, just calm down because you are behaving worse than those little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras and that is not a good look for a middle aged man.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mussels Monday II
Dear Mussels Monday Customers,
Just when I thought I had you figured out you turn around surprise me. For years you've seemed like the rudest and most uptight of all diners; but, recently you've undergone a personality transplant. All of a sudden you're happy, you drink adult beverages and you tip generously. I don't know what has prompted this change in you but I want you to know how truly grateful I am. Please don't backslide, it would break my heart.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Just when I thought I had you figured out you turn around surprise me. For years you've seemed like the rudest and most uptight of all diners; but, recently you've undergone a personality transplant. All of a sudden you're happy, you drink adult beverages and you tip generously. I don't know what has prompted this change in you but I want you to know how truly grateful I am. Please don't backslide, it would break my heart.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Bread Knife
Dear Bread Knife,
Never let it be said that I do not respect you. I have great respect for you... and the pain you can inflict upon my hands. I also hate, loathe, and despise you. I resent my dependence upon you in order to provide the bread my customers crave. I realize that I may be bitter, after all I need you more than you need me. You have proved this time and again with a thousand small cuts. Now I believe our relationship has reached an abusive stage. You forced me to spend my night in the E.R. What really hurts is that we both know by next week I will be wielding you again and hoping that you don't feel like drawing even more of my blood.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Never let it be said that I do not respect you. I have great respect for you... and the pain you can inflict upon my hands. I also hate, loathe, and despise you. I resent my dependence upon you in order to provide the bread my customers crave. I realize that I may be bitter, after all I need you more than you need me. You have proved this time and again with a thousand small cuts. Now I believe our relationship has reached an abusive stage. You forced me to spend my night in the E.R. What really hurts is that we both know by next week I will be wielding you again and hoping that you don't feel like drawing even more of my blood.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Expense Account
Dear Party of 5 or More,
I totally understand that you have a budget on your corporate card and that you need to report your expenses. I also understand that none of you has the authority to purchase the entire meal. I will happily split your check 5 or more ways and give each of you itemized receipts. But for the love of god, please, tell me when your meal is beginning! It will make this process so much smoother. While I'm on the subject; if you don't all need separate checks but you want to split the bill so that one person pays $27.33 and another $52.89, ect. please reconsider. The odds favor someone making an error at some point in the process and that upsets everyone. It upsets me, it upsets you, it upsets my boss. In summation, if you need to split a bill plan ahead and tell me at the start of your meal, not 5 minutes before you absolutely MUST be back at your desk or wherever it is you have to be and we will all be happier when you leave.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
I totally understand that you have a budget on your corporate card and that you need to report your expenses. I also understand that none of you has the authority to purchase the entire meal. I will happily split your check 5 or more ways and give each of you itemized receipts. But for the love of god, please, tell me when your meal is beginning! It will make this process so much smoother. While I'm on the subject; if you don't all need separate checks but you want to split the bill so that one person pays $27.33 and another $52.89, ect. please reconsider. The odds favor someone making an error at some point in the process and that upsets everyone. It upsets me, it upsets you, it upsets my boss. In summation, if you need to split a bill plan ahead and tell me at the start of your meal, not 5 minutes before you absolutely MUST be back at your desk or wherever it is you have to be and we will all be happier when you leave.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Cinco de Mayo
Dear Cinco de Mayo Celebrants:
I only wish I'd thought of this but in the words of a bartender I know...
If you really want to honor a Mexican try working a double shift as a dish washer.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress and Bartender
I only wish I'd thought of this but in the words of a bartender I know...
If you really want to honor a Mexican try working a double shift as a dish washer.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress and Bartender
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Coffee Part III
Dear Coffee Drinkers,
My roommate pointed out that I may be rather hard on you. I want you to know that when I write disparaging comments about "coffee drinkers" what I actually mean is: people with no basic concept of common courtesy who drink lots of coffee. I know its unfair of me to judge many people based on the actions of a few. Therefore, I want to reassure all coffee lovers that I judge you on your actions not your beverage choice. If I were a bartender I'm sure I would be writing letters to jager drinkers. After all, judging people for their beverage choice is one of the most enjoyable elements of the restaurant industry.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
My roommate pointed out that I may be rather hard on you. I want you to know that when I write disparaging comments about "coffee drinkers" what I actually mean is: people with no basic concept of common courtesy who drink lots of coffee. I know its unfair of me to judge many people based on the actions of a few. Therefore, I want to reassure all coffee lovers that I judge you on your actions not your beverage choice. If I were a bartender I'm sure I would be writing letters to jager drinkers. After all, judging people for their beverage choice is one of the most enjoyable elements of the restaurant industry.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Student Loans
Dear Student Loans,
I want you to know that I do this job for you. I need you and I resent you. You demand repayment and I have no choice but to give you everything I can. Someday our codependency will end and I will be free of you.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
I want you to know that I do this job for you. I need you and I resent you. You demand repayment and I have no choice but to give you everything I can. Someday our codependency will end and I will be free of you.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Coffee Shop
Dear Special Needs Coffee Drinker,
As anyone who has read this blog knows I have problems understanding your kind because I don't drink coffee at all. You however are a "special case" (and I mean that in THE most insulting sense possible). Not only do you want coffee, you want a complicated coffee based drink. I ask you to remember the following: you are at a restaurant not a café or Starbucks; therefore, it may not be possible to create this complicated coffee based beverage according to your exact needs. I would also ask you to remember to explain any specific requests ahead of time. For example should you want a sweet iced cappuccino either BE POLITE when requesting simple syrup so that I feel motivated to find it/have it made for you or use the sugar packets provided. In either case remember you can ALWAYS go to Starbucks and I really don't care if you come back for more special needs coffee.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress Who Doesn't Work at Starbucks
As anyone who has read this blog knows I have problems understanding your kind because I don't drink coffee at all. You however are a "special case" (and I mean that in THE most insulting sense possible). Not only do you want coffee, you want a complicated coffee based drink. I ask you to remember the following: you are at a restaurant not a café or Starbucks; therefore, it may not be possible to create this complicated coffee based beverage according to your exact needs. I would also ask you to remember to explain any specific requests ahead of time. For example should you want a sweet iced cappuccino either BE POLITE when requesting simple syrup so that I feel motivated to find it/have it made for you or use the sugar packets provided. In either case remember you can ALWAYS go to Starbucks and I really don't care if you come back for more special needs coffee.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress Who Doesn't Work at Starbucks
Friday, April 27, 2012
On A Date
Dear Couple On A Date,
Your date would be so much more fun if you got off your cell phones and tried talking to each other. You don't need to live update the event on Yelp, Twitter, or Facebook; and, your bff's feelings can wait until brunch tomorrow.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
p.s. Wine is a wonderful social lubricant and we serve around a dozen wines by the glass and if you need more help we have a lot more wines by the bottle. Also may I recommend you start with oysters and end with the chocolate torte?
Your date would be so much more fun if you got off your cell phones and tried talking to each other. You don't need to live update the event on Yelp, Twitter, or Facebook; and, your bff's feelings can wait until brunch tomorrow.
Sincerely,
The Waitress
p.s. Wine is a wonderful social lubricant and we serve around a dozen wines by the glass and if you need more help we have a lot more wines by the bottle. Also may I recommend you start with oysters and end with the chocolate torte?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Corporate Evil
Dear Executive,
I know you work for some highly unpopular company with dubious ethical standards. I know that your company is accused of benefitting the wealthy at the expense of the poor and middle class. Yet every time I serve you I feel happy. You are always respectful and courteous, you enjoy your meal, you drink bottles (emphasis on the plural) of expensive wine, and you tip generously. Perhaps the company you represent is bad for society as a whole but you are far better for the economy of my industry than anyone occupying anything. I hope you and the company you work for continue to flourish and patronize restaurants that employ me. Long live the 1%.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
I know you work for some highly unpopular company with dubious ethical standards. I know that your company is accused of benefitting the wealthy at the expense of the poor and middle class. Yet every time I serve you I feel happy. You are always respectful and courteous, you enjoy your meal, you drink bottles (emphasis on the plural) of expensive wine, and you tip generously. Perhaps the company you represent is bad for society as a whole but you are far better for the economy of my industry than anyone occupying anything. I hope you and the company you work for continue to flourish and patronize restaurants that employ me. Long live the 1%.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Dog Owners
Dear Dog Owners,
I respect and appreciate the care give your beloved pet. I especially admire the fact that you try to avoid letting him or her run all over the patio. This makes bringing your drinks much easier. If only the owners, I mean parents, of toddlers were as careful and solicitous as you.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
I respect and appreciate the care give your beloved pet. I especially admire the fact that you try to avoid letting him or her run all over the patio. This makes bringing your drinks much easier. If only the owners, I mean parents, of toddlers were as careful and solicitous as you.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Monday, April 23, 2012
Dear Universe
Guest Post:
Dear Universe,
On a good day I feel like Richard Blaine from Casablanca, on a bad day I'm Harry Hope from The Iceman Cometh, and the rest of the time I'm Mo from The Simpsons.
Sincerely,
The Proprietor
Dear Shift Drink
Dear Shift Drink,
You are the light at the end of the tunnel, my port in a storm. You are all things good and true. Thinking of you helps me get through the last hour and a half of work.
Sincerely,
The waitress about to consume you
Dear Perfect
Dear Sir,
You have dinner and a bottle of wine while reading a book, the paper, or a magazine. You are always friendly and an excellent tipper. You sound like a fantasy. Yet you exist, a paragon among customers. To you I say this: never change.
Sincerely,
Your waitress
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Dear Parents
Dear Parents,
I'm not sure you realize that your toddler is currently running around the parking lot. I'm afraid this can only end badly. I know you are enjoying the sunshine and your afternoon cocktails and after you retrieve your toddler from imminent death I will be happy to bring you another round.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Dear Coffee Drinkers
Dear Coffee Drinkers,
Since I'm not a coffee drinker, I realize I don't understand you and maybe I never will. My question is this: if you aren't really a functional person before your 4th cup why did you leave your house. Get your caffeine buzz at home and when you are ready to behave like an adult rather than a zombie having a temper tantrum come out to brunch and I will be happy to bring you eggs and that last cup or two of coffee.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Dear Mussels Monday
Dear Mussels Moday Customers,
I love a bargain as much as you but you've had two bowls of mussels for $10 and 6 baskets of bread... Have pity on me and remember all those carbs make you fat.
Sincerely,
Your Waitress
p.s. Would it kill you to buy a drink? Live a little!
Dear Europeans
Dear Europeans,
I wish America was a civilized place where waiters were paid a living wage... But we aren't. Therefore, please tip 18-20%
Sincerely,
Your appreciative if rather poor Waitress
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