Dear Colleague,
I'm sorry I put ALL the crazy people in your section. I didn't want to but it was unavoidable. Your section drew them like a moth is drawn towards flames. They all insisted on being sat there, they even waited an extra 30 minutes for table in your section. I know you would be a lot more flattered if they hadn't been psychopaths. We both know that hunger makes people crazy, and that hungry people who wait an extra half hour to sit at one specific table are especially unhinged. I'm sorry you had to suffer through so many high maintenance, low tip tables. Just remember you didn't suffer alone. Those people put me through hell before I passed them on to you. Just see the previous post about their 5 stages of grief.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Sunday, September 23, 2012
5 Stages
Dear Kubler-Ross,
Did you formulate your theory on the 5 Stages of grief while working at a restaurant? I get to watch people experience them every night when I tell them there a wait. Here is a representative sampling of my experiences and responses.
Denial: But we called ahead!
My Response: Yes you did but so did the 7 groups ahead of you.
Anger: We have a dog and a child we need an outside table right now!
My Response: (What I say) I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do.
(What I think) Really you are limiting your options and inconveniencing your child for the sake of your dog! Think about your priorities!
Bargaining: Those people are leaving can we take their table? We don't mind sitting 4 people at a 2 top.
My Responses: I'm sorry but that table is being claimed by customers settling their bill at the bar.
I'm sorry but having 4 people there would be a logistical nightmare, in short you could sit there but you couldn't actually get any food.
Depression: Should we even bother to wait?
My Response: Yes! Go get a drink at the bar and relax. Time flies when you have fun!
Acceptance: We'll be at the bar.
My Response: (What I say) I will let you know as soon as your table is ready!
(What I think) Really was all the drama necessary?
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Did you formulate your theory on the 5 Stages of grief while working at a restaurant? I get to watch people experience them every night when I tell them there a wait. Here is a representative sampling of my experiences and responses.
Denial: But we called ahead!
My Response: Yes you did but so did the 7 groups ahead of you.
Anger: We have a dog and a child we need an outside table right now!
My Response: (What I say) I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do.
(What I think) Really you are limiting your options and inconveniencing your child for the sake of your dog! Think about your priorities!
Bargaining: Those people are leaving can we take their table? We don't mind sitting 4 people at a 2 top.
My Responses: I'm sorry but that table is being claimed by customers settling their bill at the bar.
I'm sorry but having 4 people there would be a logistical nightmare, in short you could sit there but you couldn't actually get any food.
Depression: Should we even bother to wait?
My Response: Yes! Go get a drink at the bar and relax. Time flies when you have fun!
Acceptance: We'll be at the bar.
My Response: (What I say) I will let you know as soon as your table is ready!
(What I think) Really was all the drama necessary?
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Physical Activity
Dear Body,
I'm sorry! I know I should exercise more. You don't need to tell me about the Ancient Greek axiom of "Healthy body, healthy mind." I get it. I think we had fun exercising the other day so why are you causing me so much pain now. Is this your version of the silent treatment? If so you need to revise your definitions because this feels more like screaming to me. I promise I will be diligent about exercise and stretching. In return all I ask is that you allow me to climb stairs without feeling as if my legs are going to fall off.
Sincerely,
The rest of me
I'm sorry! I know I should exercise more. You don't need to tell me about the Ancient Greek axiom of "Healthy body, healthy mind." I get it. I think we had fun exercising the other day so why are you causing me so much pain now. Is this your version of the silent treatment? If so you need to revise your definitions because this feels more like screaming to me. I promise I will be diligent about exercise and stretching. In return all I ask is that you allow me to climb stairs without feeling as if my legs are going to fall off.
Sincerely,
The rest of me
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sleeping
Dear Sleeping Undergrad,
First impressions matter and my first impression of you was abysmal. I saw you fight the battle to stay awake and I saw you lose. Believe me I have compassion, I too have battled exhaustion and lost. BUT it wasn't in my first class with someone grading me. I was willing to forgive a lot. It was our first class together and I knew that their would be some confusion about expectations. I was willing to overlook your mistakes; but if you are going to sleep then just stay home. Now I advise you do this because whether you sleep in my class or at home you will get the same grade: an F. Sorry but that's how it works.
Sincerely,
Your TA
First impressions matter and my first impression of you was abysmal. I saw you fight the battle to stay awake and I saw you lose. Believe me I have compassion, I too have battled exhaustion and lost. BUT it wasn't in my first class with someone grading me. I was willing to forgive a lot. It was our first class together and I knew that their would be some confusion about expectations. I was willing to overlook your mistakes; but if you are going to sleep then just stay home. Now I advise you do this because whether you sleep in my class or at home you will get the same grade: an F. Sorry but that's how it works.
Sincerely,
Your TA
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Passive Agressive
Dearly Highly Aggrieved Customer,
I know you need an outlet for your hurt and frustration. I respect your feelings; but I would respect them (and you more) if you said them to my face. Please don't write them on the back of your receipt. You have a right to your air your grievances. If you feel like you are getting short-shrift this evening then please call our General Manager the next afternoon. Your words will have far more weight than they do written on the back of a receipt. Trust me if we all behave like adults we will ALL be so much happier.
Sincerely,
Someone Tired of Seeing you Bitch on the Back of a Receipt
I know you need an outlet for your hurt and frustration. I respect your feelings; but I would respect them (and you more) if you said them to my face. Please don't write them on the back of your receipt. You have a right to your air your grievances. If you feel like you are getting short-shrift this evening then please call our General Manager the next afternoon. Your words will have far more weight than they do written on the back of a receipt. Trust me if we all behave like adults we will ALL be so much happier.
Sincerely,
Someone Tired of Seeing you Bitch on the Back of a Receipt
Food Allergies
Dear Customer with Severe Seafood Allergies,
I empathize with your plight, honestly I do, but perhaps you should reconsider your choices. You are deathly allergic to seafood; yet, you have chosen to dine at a restaurant with a specific shellfish in the name. While we will all do our utmost to ensure that no harmful contaminates come near you, I must mention that things that could KILL you are EVERYWHERE. So in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend: Look at your Life, Look at your Choices!
Sincerely,
Your Restaurant Staff
I empathize with your plight, honestly I do, but perhaps you should reconsider your choices. You are deathly allergic to seafood; yet, you have chosen to dine at a restaurant with a specific shellfish in the name. While we will all do our utmost to ensure that no harmful contaminates come near you, I must mention that things that could KILL you are EVERYWHERE. So in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend: Look at your Life, Look at your Choices!
Sincerely,
Your Restaurant Staff
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sell it!
Dear Colleague,
Watching you sell those $30 cocktails is a thing of beauty. Its like watching Yo-Yo Ma play the cello. Your ability to pique the customer's interests and spur their do or die instincts is a wonder to behold. Your shrewdness is positively Machiavellian. I aspire to possess your skills.
Sincerely,
Your Inspired Co-worker
Watching you sell those $30 cocktails is a thing of beauty. Its like watching Yo-Yo Ma play the cello. Your ability to pique the customer's interests and spur their do or die instincts is a wonder to behold. Your shrewdness is positively Machiavellian. I aspire to possess your skills.
Sincerely,
Your Inspired Co-worker
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ejector Seat
Dear Customers Waiting an Inordinately Long Time for a Table,
I promise its nothing personal. I want you to be able to sit down and enjoy your meal right now. I'm sorry that its not possible, even though it should be. I know four different tables have finished eating. Unfortunately I do not have a metal claw that extracts their money and pays there check for them. Nor, most regrettably, do I have a button that opens a hole in the floor under them or powers a rocket in their seat. Believe me if I had some ingenious device to speed the removal of customers from tables on busy nights I would use it. Particularly if the device also had some comedic value. Alas I am not privileged with such awesome technology; therefore, we will all just have to wait for them to leave of their own accord.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
I promise its nothing personal. I want you to be able to sit down and enjoy your meal right now. I'm sorry that its not possible, even though it should be. I know four different tables have finished eating. Unfortunately I do not have a metal claw that extracts their money and pays there check for them. Nor, most regrettably, do I have a button that opens a hole in the floor under them or powers a rocket in their seat. Believe me if I had some ingenious device to speed the removal of customers from tables on busy nights I would use it. Particularly if the device also had some comedic value. Alas I am not privileged with such awesome technology; therefore, we will all just have to wait for them to leave of their own accord.
Sincerely,
The Hostess
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Leisure Reading
Dear Reading Books for Pleasure,
The time has come to end our torrid affair. I'm sorry I have to move on. Its not you its me...
I've made a commitment to Grad School. I'm moving on to peer reviewed books the Crusades and the Spanish Empire. I'm not ending our affair lightly and I will miss the many days and nights we spent together. We had some good times. Although I have to say your brief incest fixation in Game of Thrones was a trifle alarming. You were a great companion but I just can't give you the commitment you deserve. I'm sure I'll relapse on occasion and spend an intense 48 hours with you from time to time. We already have a date for the release of Lauren Willig's next book. Just remember you will always be my first love.
Sincerely,
The Grad Student/Waitress who wishes she had more free time
The time has come to end our torrid affair. I'm sorry I have to move on. Its not you its me...
I've made a commitment to Grad School. I'm moving on to peer reviewed books the Crusades and the Spanish Empire. I'm not ending our affair lightly and I will miss the many days and nights we spent together. We had some good times. Although I have to say your brief incest fixation in Game of Thrones was a trifle alarming. You were a great companion but I just can't give you the commitment you deserve. I'm sure I'll relapse on occasion and spend an intense 48 hours with you from time to time. We already have a date for the release of Lauren Willig's next book. Just remember you will always be my first love.
Sincerely,
The Grad Student/Waitress who wishes she had more free time
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